I was at the supermarket, enjoying the chance to look around and feel into what foods I wanted to buy and appreciating what I had in my trolley. At the checkout, I was asked to put my card into the card reader, which had not happened for some time. Usually, the card is read when I present it to the reader, and no pin is needed. I had left my pin number reminder at home that day. I couldn’t remember it and the person on the checkout was understanding and patient. She suggested I could leave the shopping and come back later. I agreed. I lived nearby and could easily return to collect my shopping.
I was aware that people were waiting at the other end of the checkout, a man with his young family was taking an interest in the proceedings. To me, this wasn’t a situation, there was a simple solution. “How much is it?” the man asked. I was a bit taken aback, but I must have told him it was £33. “I will pay it” he said, and despite my saying (twice) “No, you can’t do that!” he came forward and presented his card on the reader, job done! I remember catching sight of his (I presumed) partner’s face – it was white -and her young son’s face – so serious – as if they were anticipating some kind of incident or reaction. Could they even afford to pay for someone else’s shopping? This was a question I didn’t ask.
I reluctantly said “Thank you” to the young man, but felt disempowered somehow, and somewhat less. I asked him for his phone number so that I could re-imburse him when I got home, but he said “no it’s fine, someone may do this for me sometime if I need it.” My mind was in a whirl as I left the shop with my ‘free’ goods. I sat in the car for a moment to gather myself together. What just happened here? Why did I not feel joy that I had my shopping paid for? I felt that I hadn’t needed the ‘help’, there was a solution I had decided upon, hence feeling disempowered and ungrateful.
Thoughts abounded: what was wrong with me that I couldn’t accept this ‘no strings’ support when I needed it? But I didn’t need it. Was I seen by the man as a little old lady who needed ‘bailing out’ because she had forgotten her pin number, and maybe she had dementia? Why do I feel so confused and flustered? I decided I was feeling the cloying energy of sympathy being sent my way and it was an awful feeling.
Relating this story to a friend the next day, she had a different offering for me to consider.
Knowing me as a person who very much valued my independence, what about the possibility of gracefully accepting the timely support that was given when I needed it? Was this a gift from heaven, that I was refusing to value? Could I open my heart enough to drop the protection of self-imposed arrogance and the belief that ’someone helped me, now I am in their debt’. Was it time to let go of my pride in being independent and self-sufficient? This was my friend’s offering, and I had mixed feelings about it, however it felt more comfortable in my body the more I engaged with those feelings.
In realising that I was slow to receive the gift of support when I needed it, but rather turned to the negative thoughts that flooded through me, I was holding myself as ‘less’ than another, an old pattern of forgetting to value myself. I am now aware of the arrogance of the drive towards being an ‘independent individual,’ which robbed me of the opportunity to recognise the love and care offered by another human being. There was, in my world, a dominant culture that says it is evil to be ‘on the take’, we have to give, give and give some more. When I realise how many opportunities for joy and connection with people I have passed over, now, isn’t that evil? The reverse is true: there is support for us always, if we could only be open to trust and receive.