I worked as a carer with an elderly 92 year old gentleman who had dementia. He was still mobile but very slow and he needed help with bathing and dressing. Because of the dementia he was very confused, so needed close monitoring by his wife. His wife didn’t want him to be home, but he had requested to come home from the nursing home he was in.
On arrival at his house to start my first care session with him I was shouted at by my client’s wife as I arrived, and this would happen when I arrived every day. I soon realised that when you are caring for your husband when you are elderly yourself, it can be very hard. What was important for me to acknowledge was that I did not react to this, I stayed centred in myself, and I kept going with my work. I knew the anger was not personal to me and I felt how important it was to stay calm, as I was there to support my client who was very confused and disorientated. Many carers lasted a day or two, but I stayed and what happened was amazing.
By not reacting and staying calm and not going into criticism or judgment, the anger and shouting began to subside – there was no-where for the anger to go as I was not fuelling it. I was there, focused on my work, calm and caring.
The shouting changed to conversations and then a friendship developed. My client’s wife began to confide in me and share how she was feeling. I felt that I was there for her as much as I was for my client. I got to see the pressures on elders when there is an expectation for them to care for their partners and spouses. These visits were joyful. I could feel how much I supported this couple with my lightness and joy, no matter what was going on, and there was a lot. I stayed light-hearted, I enjoyed going, never rushed my visit and would always make time to do what was needed, sometimes going over time, which my company were ok with.
My client loved to be warm, and I remember we got into a routine where I would warm the bathroom up and get the bath temp just right before my client got into the bathroom, I undressed him gently but without delay and would wash him with such tenderness and care that my client would be able to relax and enjoy his baths. I always ensured he did not get cold.
My client was a man who I sensed did not like a lot of chatter. Sometimes he would share something with me, but often he just enjoyed having me there. And so, we joked sometimes and sometimes we would be quiet, this was as much a support for him as the physical work I was doing.
My client and his wife also loved having the house ordered and tidy and so I would always make the bed, never rushed but in a lovely way, I would put the clothes away and I enjoyed keeping the order of the house to support them.
My client has since passed away, but I still have a lovely connection with his wife.