Often, when I go to my client’s house after a day at work at the local school, if I arrive rushed and trying to just get the job done then I can feel this whilst standing on the doorstep waiting for him to open the door. It’s very apparent if I am in any sort of rush or drive. I work gently and with care as I can feel that this is what is needed – if I don’t it feels horrible and very unsupportive for both of us. For instance, if I rush needing to be somewhere else and not being present in my work and committed to being there, then I would bang a door with the hoover, or knock into something, this is really noticeable in this very still, quiet home and feels very jarring.
I am aware of my every movement, how I place things down, how I clean and how I move about the house.
I love to work in this very gentle, delicate way, it feels super supportive for him as well as myself and is in stark contrast to working in a way where there is time pressure and a hurry. I also love how ordered the house is, everything has a place, and everything is cared for, if something breaks it is dealt with immediately. This makes it a pleasure to work in the house and I can feel how supportive this order must be, there is no clutter and holding onto things. It feels very clear. Interestingly working in this way takes no extra time.
Visiting my client is as much a support for me as it is for him, it is like a monthly check in of how I am and what I notice on my visits is my usual light-heartedness and how we are both in this lovely way together.
When I ask how he is he may comment that he is getting slower and less able to walk and has less energy. The way he says this is with an acceptance, it is not with any drama or from the perspective of a victim or wanting sympathy, he is simply sharing how he is. In my response there is no sympathy, just an acknowledgment of what he has shared and checking in if I can support any further due to the change in his mobility. The lightness stays between us whatever the conversation we are having.
It would feel like an injustice if I went along and didn’t feel my usual light, joyful self.
Seeing him only once a month now, I can feel my responsibility to be present and support him 100% whilst with him. Sometimes I go a little over my visit, maybe by a few minutes but this is ok. He may have something to share with me and I love at the end of the visit sitting down and talking with him, whatever it may be about, just allowing the space for him to talk and the space to be with him. We say a very loving goodbye and I make sure I look him the eyes, he thanks me for coming and we both comment how lovely it has been to see each other.
With his increasing age and frailty, I know that he may be passing soon, so these visits feel very precious. There is a love between us that is communicated in our eyes and our conversations, it is a holding of each other, with no judgment, just a love that is beyond anything physical, not bound by age or gender. It feels like true family. I was recently told that I am due a holiday, but I will not miss a visit, they are too precious, and I can feel that I want to ensure that he is treated with tenderness and care until he passes.
2 thoughts on “The Quality of our Presence in care”
This is so powerful to feel your commitment to your client by attending to your own quality that you bring to him every visit. A great reflection for us all to feel our own quality in our everyday movements, and how that impacts everyone, thank you.
Reading this blog was like receiving a hug ~ huge thank you! I had something similar happen to me today, in that I have been getting close to a deadline for finalising some study and a very old pattern (decades old from my teen years) emerged from what I was like preparing for exams – rushing, driving myself, consumed by time, and generally feeling disconnected to everyone by being locked in my own world of stress. I have a significant medical appointment every 8 weeks with a doctor who has been like a father. We have the most amazing conversations about all sorts of topics as we go through blood results and my health status, yet today, because of the rushing and time focus and stress, that connection could not be felt. He still supported me in the same grand and fatherly way with his doctoring and well-being advice, but it was a stop-moment for me to realise what my behaviour prevented from happening – my usual deep connection with another precious person. Thank you for the ‘timely’ 🙂 blog!