Saying Yes to Receiving Care

I recently became a client of a mental health service. The service is part of a charity that works with people ‘to end homelessness and tackle disadvantage’. Am I homeless, you may ask? Am I disadvantaged? No. I am a well-connected, well-loved woman with a mega-loving family beside me every moment. Then how do I qualify for this service? This is a question I asked myself before I referred myself to the service. Over the previous 3 months, I had not been called into work, so I was feeling isolated and missed the company of people. I wanted to be out in the world, meeting new people as well as keeping myself fit.

For many years I have worked in the community as a social worker, counsellor, tutor in lots of different settings like schools, hospitals, community homes, prisons. I was a ‘professional’ person. Could I allow myself to become a client, a ‘service user’, labels we used to ascribe onto people we worked with. Could I be the one accepting the ‘help’? I am 73 and there will probably come a day when I will need physical help to do things I may not be able to comfortably do any more.

A deeper reason for accepting support is that for many years I had withdrawn from life, from people, was very self-reliant and independent, never asking for help from anyone. From this experience I have learnt over time that I have put my body at risk in certain situations, for example, carrying heavy loads instead of asking for help. Now I am recognizing that I am no longer willing to put my body into stress by doing things without asking for support from another. I am more in touch with my tenderness, delicacy and I am aware of the importance of self-care and self-love. A fall or a broken bone at my age could precipitate me into a position where I would need care all of the time, and that is not something I want to risk. Another of life’s lessons I have learnt is that people love to help if they can. The process of asking for help is a big step for me to take, allowing another to share my space, to work alongside me. Recognising the protection I have held myself in by saying things like, ‘I am alright thank you, I need no-one’ and the effect that this has had not just on me but on others around me.

At our first small group meeting I reminded myself that I am a client. How should I be with people? I note that I am feeling everything, looking for cues from other people as to how I ‘should’ be. I surrendered back into my body. The small group of us accepted me and I was welcome. I felt a layer of identity and protection drop away and then relaxed into the pleasure of being cared for. I plunged into the craft activity offered. We were in a lovely green space which was hidden away in the city. Part of our lunch was salad leaves freshly picked from our surroundings. Rice instead of pasta was specially cooked to suit my dietary needs. Herbal tea was also freshly picked. The workers around us were brilliant. Friendly and talking to us as equals with not a bit of condescension, making sure we all had what we needed, and that we all had a great time. Twice, one of the workers came and asked me how I was finding the group, and I replied that I was enjoying the company. From this, I knew people were looking out for me. I felt cared for, and it was lovely to be so included and have my needs considered. I could get used to this!

I felt a layer of identity and protection drop away and then relaxed into the pleasure of being cared for.

With my own focus on the effect of asking for and accepting the care and support of others, I then had the opportunity to observe this with a friend. I last saw her nearly six months ago, and then she was looking her age, sitting in her bed wrapped up in her dressing gown to keep warm. I felt she may not have much longer to live. She had started to develop dementia and was having mobility problems. When I arrived at her house, the door was open, and a different feel to the place was evident before I even stepped inside. I called out to her to alert her, and I stepped into the kitchen. A lovely young woman was there, welcomed me with ‘I’m the carer’, and I responded with ‘oh, is it ok to come in’, ‘of course, would you like a drink?’ I went into the living room to join my friend. I initially didn’t recognise her, thinking a family member must be visiting too. Her hair was styled beautifully, with a plait fastened to one side. She was dressed in a warm maroon-coloured top with pretty pink and maroon coloured pyjama bottoms, and a sage green cardigan over. She was wearing her jewellery, and her nails were painted to match her outfit.

I was greeted with a smile and much conversation was had. Very little was there in the way of dementia now. My friend remembered everything about me and where I was living, the people we knew. The whole situation had been turned around and this was due to the loving attention of the young woman carer. My friend acknowledged her carer’s importance in her life, and it was plain to see. The carer brought everything my friend would need for the evening, including a warm blanket placed nearby, and reminded her that today was Friday and that the next time she would be coming would be Monday. They had a lovely rapport between them, but there was more than that. The lightness in the room, and in my friend, was a joy to see and feel.

My friend acknowledged her carer’s importance in her life, and it was plain to see.

The joy of being cared for in a loving way felt like it was expanding my friend’s life, as it would be for her family’s lives and as it is for mine, seeing the difference it has made for her, and having felt love at work. I noticed in myself, because of the small groups I had attended my skills of conversation had improved. Could this be because of how accepting and gentle they were with each other? Was it that I had less layers of protection around me now, allowing me to respond to what was needed? How refreshing to feel this too at my friend’s house, the power of love-in-action. How wonderful it could be for me too, if I could accept such care and love into my life. We all deserve this in our lives.

I’m naturally surrendering more and more into the enrichment of being lovingly cared for, in all ways. I have let go of layers of identity and protection that I have carried for a long while: whilst we are forging our careers and working at them, we fit ourselves into a ‘professional’ way of doing, and appearances. It was a relief to let that go and to let go of the cover of protection it offered, allowing me to open up to people supporting me and my well-being. Who knows what I might be able to discard next? Such wealth to be found everyday, there for us if we just say ‘Yes’!

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