Being asked this question by a friend stopped me in my tracks. I had two young sons and was finding parenting both demanding and somewhat challenging. I wrestled with thoughts of not being attentive enough, good enough, strict enough, steady enough, loving enough. The list went on and on, an incessant chatter in my head every day with each negative thought further cementing the belief that I was a bad parent.
The stop moment offered by this question had immediately opened a door and let fresh air and light in. I could breathe again. In an instant I felt the truth.
In an instant I realised there were many times in a day I was not just holding the comb but gripping it tightly (metaphorically speaking) as if my life depended on it. I would look out my sons clothes for the next day, help them dress, button up jackets, clear their plates off the table after dinner, make their lunch boxes up. The list was endless and with the comb in my hand I was the one in control.
I was also exhausted and at times resentful with all I had to do. This way of being with my children was not working for me and certainly was not supporting them to learn and grow in independence.
I asked myself how I had got to this place where I was doing so much for my children. It was clear that they were able to do much more around the house and for themselves than I allowed or asked of them, yet we were stuck in a pattern of them sitting back and me doing everything.
This drive and push to do so many things for my sons came from a need to be needed. As long as I did everything, or as much as possible, I would fulfil the need to be needed.
This light bulb moment which felt so uncomfortable to face at the time, allowed the start of a transformation that would light the way ahead for us all. At first I did not know what to do to break the cycle but knew it was about me making a change within me.
How do I drop the need?
I was so immersed in the role of being a mother I had lost my sense of simply being me. In truth I had not been fully me for a very long time, way before having children and could see the need to be needed went so much further back than I initially thought. From a young age I had learned to put others before myself and being a parent was an extension of this which put me deeper into this way of being and further away from taking care of me.
The change began when I started taking more care of myself. This meant listening to my body when I was tired and resting more, even five minutes could make a huge difference. It meant having a whole love box of go to’s I could use to support myself to nurture. This box was not just full of lotions and potions but ways of being with myself that were deeply honouring. One of my favourite ones was washing my face with a flannel soaked in hot water infused with rose water. I would pause and take in the moisture, the warmth and the delicious scent and any tension in my body would just release. And crucially it meant stopping the chatter in my head that I was a bad parent and not letting it take hold again.
What was extraordinary was that as I put all the things in place to support me the need to be needed began to lose its grip. It was a very, very slow process initially, but being consistent with my nurturing routines really helped. My grip was lessening on the comb and more and more I encouraged my sons to be independent and take a much more active part in supporting the running of the house. I began to feel I didn’t want to hold onto the comb any longer. There was a freedom in handing the comb over and an absolute joy in witnessing my sons become much more independent. There was a flow in the house that was much less jarring and more harmonious. If I ever slipped back into my need to be needed it showed itself clearly and if I didn’t clock it and call it out one of my sons would give me ‘the look’ that said it all.
“What is more loving, to hand your child the comb so that they can comb their own hair or to comb their hair yourself?’ Many years on and looking back I can see that lovingly handing the comb over was one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself and my sons. For it supported me to drop a very old pattern of needing to be needed and my sons to take responsibility in all areas of life as well as having all the skills needed to run their own homes in a way that flows and supports everyone they live with. They also both happen to be amazing cooks.
1 thought on “The Need to be Needed”
Thx!