Part 2: Caring or Martyrdom?
At the other end of the spectrum are carers with ideals and beliefs of being perfect and good. These carers seemingly embrace the responsibility with enthusiasm, but this can sometimes mask a need to be needed as a carer because it gives them something to do.
Taking on a caring role can sometimes fill a gap or emptiness in our own lives.
It has a recognisable identity that some crave, want to hold on to and wear as a ‘badge of honour’. Carers influenced by past religious, cultural and family beliefs want to fulfil an ideal of being perfect, sympathetic and good. They want to please others and in doing so seek recognition. They may also harbour guilt if they do something for themselves or are fearful of letting the image of perfection slip. Some seek a life of sacrifice or martyrdom. Self-centred, their purpose gives them something to do and be identified with. All of this can be wearing on the body.
A paid carer who suffered exhaustion and burn out admitted she bent over backwards to please the client she lived with and totally ignored herself. She smoked profusely, which greatly affected her body. Every movement fuelled by wanting to prove how good she was, drained her body. She never thought about herself, worked over and beyond until she burned herself out and had to stop working. It was not the work itself but how she worked.
A man devoted to his elder brother, became his brother’s carer when his wife was admitted into residential care. This gentle-man, was tied to the ideal that family looks after family and that any involvement of social services was a betrayal. He cared for his brother, cooking, washing, shopping, sitting with him as well as supporting his own wife who was ill and visiting those in the community he knew lived alone. I observed when the sparkle in his eye was replaced with a dullness and absence of joy. After a couple of years of this he exhausted himself, became ill with cancer of the kidney and died. His brother survived him by twelve years.
A woman who lives with and cares for her close friend and sister with dementia, does not exhibit the classic symptoms of exhaustion, she appears to be energetic and ‘full of beans.’ But her dedication to care for her sister could also be seen as self-limiting, if it arises from a need to fill a gap in her own life, or if she does so at her own expense. Many carers refuse to accept the importance of equally caring for themselves as this contradicts the perfect picture they have of themselves always putting the other person first. This also generates guilt. This woman says, “I feel guilty if I leave her alone.”
A responsive carer observes what is going on with the person being cared for, without taking it on themselves (absorbing it), or making it more about themselves. They do what is true for the one being cared for without seeking any recognition.
When we choose to care for another, we have a responsibility to equally care for ourselves as this offers a sound reflection to the person we care for. Giving up or giving away all that we are, by trying to please, be perfect or feeling guilty and not taking time out for ourselves, muddies the water and is draining. Over time this leads to overwhelm, exhaustion and even death.
We can all be more aware of and eliminate ideals and beliefs (pictures) and how we let them control our lives.
When carers are reluctant to seek or refuse help when offered, because it is perceived as a weakness or failure, it can cause serious emotional and physical harm. It is essential for family carers to seek regular help to cover them for breaks during the day, to go out, walk, restore, be there for themselves. If this is resisted, we need to ask ourselves why.
Caring is not self-sacrifice or martyrdom, it is a deeply nurturing and loving service offered another that supports and enriches both carer and person being cared for.