If someone had said to me 4 & some years ago that I would move in with my mother and care for her I’d have replied “in your dreams”.
These words, spoken by E, a woman in her seventies, herself living with a cancer diagnosis, as she shares with me the intimacies and practicalities of caring for her mother, now 100 years old.
This article describes the opportunity offered through care to heal and enrich relationships between carer and client, parent and child, wife and husband, partner and partner, sibling and sibling, friend and friend. It is a powerful testimony of what can happen when loved ones become ill or incapacitated and a family member takes on the responsibility of caring for them.
E shared with me some of the considerations of caring for her mother, a responsibility she had never thought she would want to do, let alone could do.
The most important part to note is E’s response. The stroke left her mother, a formally very independent, communicative, life loving woman, unable to read, write, talk coherently, or find words to express herself as the stroke resulted in dysphasia. E did not delay, ignore or run in the opposite direction. Her response was to be by her mother, then in her late nineties and living alone, to take care of her with the support of paid carers. E didn’t have to do this, she lived a two-hour drive away, had her own life and was working. Some may say, ‘E put her life on hold to care for her mother.’ E did not put her life on hold, she feels she expanded her life by making her mother central to it and in doing so enriched both herself and her mother through various health crisis’s and supported her to live as full a life as possible.
From the start, when caring for her mother, E kept responding to what was before her – she hadn’t set out to be a full-time carer, but after a very short live-in carer relationship didn’t work, E realised that she could do it, with support from local carers.
E was particularly attentive to her own movements: how she spoke to her mother, what she said, how she touched her, bathed her, carried out personal care, supported her to stand, sit, put on her clothes, walk, the food she prepared and served, etc. She shared this exquisite standard of care with incoming paid carers who weren’t always responsive to the quality and detail of what was asked of them. Every aspect of care was considered: heating, medication, personal care, food, exercise, clothes, activities, medical appointments, arranging visits with friends etc.
She became a master of logistics. When almost a year after the stroke her mother was hospitalized for three weeks with pneumonia, upon returning home from the hospital severely weakened and unable to climb stairs, E temporarily converted the downstairs living room into a bedroom with a hospital bed lent to her mother by the NHS. It became a bedroom, bathroom, discrete toilet, dining room and exercise space, until her mother was strong enough to walk upstairs with assistance to her bedroom.
Every part of her mother’s day is lovingly considered and attended to, from the moment she wakes up in the morning until she goes to bed at night. She minutely organised a structured morning ‘care plan’ for her mother, from waking, to bed exercises, to sitting and having her first drink, to standing, walking to the bathroom for personal care and dressing and further exercises on the landing, going downstairs, having breakfast and taking her meds, cleaning teeth etc. Equivalent and sensitive care plans were put in place throughout the day: mornings, lunch, afternoons, evenings and bedtimes and communicated with carers who came in to support. These care plans are continually adapted according to her mother’s changing needs.
Each aspect of care designed to maximise and enrich her mother’s daily living. For example, most of the year, E ensures her mother’s pyjamas and dressing gown are warmed every night and in the mornings her clothes placed on radiators before she puts them on. Bath towels are also warmed for her. In summer, she ensures her mother is kept cool, stays indoors and not over heated on really hot days. On cooler days her mother is supported to walk outside in her beautiful garden. In winter her mother is properly dressed to shield her body from the cold.
What about healing the relationship?
This was without calculation. E did not try to do anything – she did not set out with any outcome in mind or plan to transform the relationship. She simply responded and attended to what was before her. What transpired was a natural consequence of the way she cared for her mother, sensitively, tenderly, paying attention to every detail as the closeness and deep regard for each other deepened between them.
“And there was so much joy, and shared belly laughs together and little twinkles and smiles as we learned together”.
E’s mother has lung problems and so dairy is minimised in her diet as dairy is not supportive for her lung function. This level of detail was then communicated to carers to ensure everyone worked to the same standard as a single team.
There are also many practical aspects of the role which E alone takes care of. She has joint POA (Power of Attorney) and executor roles with her brother for her mother’s affairs, but in reality, it is E that attends to these singly, as she does every other household matter: food, house, garden, finances and of course her mother’s heath care. She constantly adapts the house to support her mother’s changing needs, e.g. rugs removed, grab handles, second banister, electric chair, stair lift, etc. The most recent addition is an electric profiling bed. There’s also the responsibility of maintaining the house, electrics, ramps and levelling paths outside and other ongoing adaptions.
Through all this, E became closer to her mother, more than she would ever have imagined. She speaks of these responsibilities, not as a chore but providing a loving service to her mother. Many demands are placed on her, herself living and managing a potentially life-threatening illness, supporting carers to ensure loving ‘care standards’ are followed, communicating with health care practitioners, attending medical appointments, looking after and maintaining a large house and garden. But when she speaks, it is without echoes of it being a chore. Caring for her mother has been her full-time job for over four years, the rewards, not financial have enriched her and her mother. This is true wealth – having a close bond, mutual regard and deeply loving connection with her mother. Whatever had blocked this in the earlier part of their lives now cleared.
E says “we were both changed by the stroke”
When her mother had the stroke, E, by simply receiving what needed to be done, obediently answered the call, said yes and moved in with her mother. Her mother, after getting over the confusion and shock of the new world she found herself in, re-connected to her ‘inner child’, became more loving, playful, spontaneous, and silly having lost the ability to express from her head. And all the internalised stuff that E was still carrying just dissipated. This opened the way for their relationship to be healed without her ever setting out to do so.
This is how miracles are made.