The words power and authority are not found in any care manual or training programme. Carers receive long lists of what not to do in relation to abuse of a client (and rightly so) but not a word said about how they can be ‘in’ their power and authority in role.
Any reference to power that equates it to dominance, control, imposing, superior and inferior, or one assigned because of a position or role held, is not true power.
Our use of power in this article is as an equaliser: a quality that brings substance to the one who carries it and offers it to another. It applies to all caring relationships with clients and/or family members.
But there are other uses of power. How do these play out in carer/client or family carer relationships?
Abuse of power
Abuse of power is when someone, an employee, colleague or family member breaches the responsibility and duty to care for and be in an honouring and mutually respectful relationship with another.
A family member or carer is in breach of their role when they rely on the false notion of power that seeks to wield control over the person they care for or are in relationship with. This is a form of abuse and includes: making routine decisions for a client rather than consulting them, not listening to a client and instead imposing their will, for example, choosing or dictating what they should eat, wear, visit, and which programmes to watch on TV. The most common form of abuse is financial abuse – misappropriating client funds or possessions. This can be overt or covert and often more prevalent in carers that look after vulnerable elders or those diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s. This abuse is often found within family. For example, an elder brother of a man with dementia bullied and manipulated him to transfer money from his brother’s bank account to his own. It was discovered and dealt with. This is financial and psychological abuse. The niece of this same gentleman, responsible for aspects of his care, including finance and shopping, syphoned off money, drip by drip from his funds, until discovered. Other forms of abuse of power are physical, psychological and sexual.
Abdicating our Power and Authority
At the other extreme there are those in caring roles that act as if they have no power. These carers, by abnegating the power that is innately theirs, and acting as if they are power-less do themselves a disservice. They relegate themselves into a lesser role and worth to the person being cared for. In so doing it is not that they give away their power it is that they have no substance. Their sole aim is to please others to fulfil an ideal or belief of being a ‘good’ carer.
This often happens in the relationship between parent and child, especially where a parent wants to please, be liked, have an easy life or let the child do what it wants. These parents cannot or will not assert their authority as a parent. A parent who is sympathetic and unable to set clear boundaries and standards in the home so the child knows what to do and not do, sets up the child to fail later in life and themselves for ongoing anxiety and overwhelm. Parents who abnegate their authority to truly parent their child would not normally be seen as abusive, but is this true? A parent that instead of lovingly teaching a child to make their own bed, put away their clothes and toys, contribute to simple housekeeping tasks like put clothes in the washing machine, help out with dinner and clear away the table after meals, instead does it all themselves, is not exercising power and authority, they are pandering to their child, creating a dependency and ruining both their futures.
We really do need to reconsider this abdication as being an abuse of both child and parent.
In relationships between carers and elders, whether family member or not, some carers automatically defer to the person being cared for as being more important than themselves. A carer that feeds this playbook typically over-cares by responding to every demand made, is unable to set clear boundaries, express themself directly or respond not react to unreasonable requests made, because the person is ill, dying or a child. A carer that lets sympathy rule their movements is not exercising the power available to them but exacerbating the situation and relationship. A carer that panders to a client or family member rather than supporting them to be as self-supporting as they can while they have the capacity to do so, undermines themselves and client.
True Power
All of us, and especially women are designed to exercise true power and authority in every relationship. This, an energetic quality, means moving and responding in a way that is without fear, compromise, accommodating, ‘good’ and desire to please another. With true power and authority in our bodies we care for another without sympathy, calculation, expectation, entitlement, ownership, effort or trying. When power is a foundational quality in the body of the carer, it sets them and person they care for free of all relationship entanglements. A carer that exercises true power is without drama, they observe, respond and care without getting emotionally entangled with what is happening with the other person, however ill or whatever their age.
When a carer is in their innate power and authority it is evidenced in their voice, every expression, body posture and movement. Lack of power is also expressed in the same way, voice, expression, body posture and movement. A client or child either receives powerful expressions with authority or pathetic expressions, absent of power. They will respond accordingly to each.
Carers who express their true power support another to be in their authority.
Most clients will respond to this carer as an equal. Carers unable to express their innate power, will incentivise a client, elder, partner or child to abuse, be demanding or denigrating towards them. This carer will not be responded to as an equal.
One carer in her true power supports a gentleman to thrive under her care, so he is free to assert his authority as client. He is not dumbed down by someone that wants things to be ‘nice’, ‘cosy’ and familiar. A carer in her power expressing to client what has to be done and without hesitancy or apology is received fully. For example, a client that wanted to delay a visit to the bank to sort out an online account problem, initially declined the carer’s offer to take him to the bank. He said, ‘No we’ll do it later.’ The carer knowing delay was not an option, simply said with authority, let’s do it now. The client obediently complied. The clarity of her expression meant they could make the trip to the bank which identified the source of the problem, cleared the block on his online account and ended days of frustration of trying to fix the problem himself.
It is the same with health problems. Some clients, often men, are reluctant to respond to health issues immediately. When a carer spots a mark, cyst or other problem on the client’s body and informs him of it, he initially reactive, dismissed it. The carer in her authority took a photo of it, showed it to him and said, “let’s get a second opinion from the GP, rather than delay”. The client agreed. We are not there to pander, keep the peace, carers are there to exercise authority be alert to any presenting health condition that could, if left, develop into something much more serious.
Another area is food and meals. One male client does not want to be consulted on what to eat for dinner, he, in his authority would rather the carer decides. Any carer that feels uneasy with this set up because they prefer to be told what to cook, is not in their power. Any carer, in deference to the client, that chooses to use a smaller or less grand dinner plate to the one used by the client, is not in their power. Any carer that feels diminished and inferior because of the age, class or status of a client, is not in their power.
Carers that embody true power with substance work in equivalence with their client or family member. Their expression, from deep within, does not allow insecurity or self-limiting beliefs to interfere with their capacity to be an enriching and purposeful presence in the client’s or family home.